It's Columbus Day. Anyone celebrating? Protesting? Got the day off work? Buying a new mattress? [
a la Jerry Seinfeld] Why do we celebrate the Genoese explorer who founded the New World by buying a brand-new mattress? What, was he especially known for being hard on his bedding? Wore out a lot of mattresses up there in the captain's quarters, did'jah Chris? What... is... the
deal?

[
normal tone] I've also got some stuff about schtupping indigenous maidens and a rather off-color bit about the "poop deck", but if I do this voice too long, I risk hyperventilation.
